The “exercise-of-12” in our May newsletter—does it inspire? Post here, and others can share their work and offer feedback. Post at least 3 of your 12… or go for it: the whole.
Each of these is pushing at the edges and further (though #6 sounds to pull back a bit--and be well-thought-through, yes). Love the image of the rusted Honda overflowing with gear, and the specificity of "Sun Ra at the Glass Slipper" and the trumpet player instead of the band. Altogether so much more texture building, too! Thank you for sharing!
Ok. The set-up: the protagonist, a trombone player, is saying goodbye to someone.
1 The “East Coast/New York” accent became a New York accent.
2 Flirting with the band members became flirting with the lead trumpet player. (A far more egregious offence!)
3 The Honda Civic became a rusted out Honda Civic, in which an amp and an electric piano fit, but just barely and [new] “not without a struggle”.
4 Jazz Messengers became “Sun Ra at the Glass Slipper”. A hipper reference.
5 Azaleas and rhododendrons were in full bloom (not just beginning to bloom).
6. The protagonist not only struggled for words but struggled to breathe. (And just now “struggled to catch his breath”).
7. He desperately needed a cigarette and [new] maybe more than one.
8. Instead of a voice in his head, the protagonist “... told himself, mocked himself.”
9. “Young people” became “teenagers”.
Each of these is pushing at the edges and further (though #6 sounds to pull back a bit--and be well-thought-through, yes). Love the image of the rusted Honda overflowing with gear, and the specificity of "Sun Ra at the Glass Slipper" and the trumpet player instead of the band. Altogether so much more texture building, too! Thank you for sharing!