Days 4 and 5 at the Del
Writing and other things
Do you know what these are?
Day 3 here was a social day. A yoga class to begin with. Haven’t been to one in too long, and I’ve forgotten how to breathe. Glad I got that memo.
A couple hours to write. Then a lunch. Followed by an afternoon spent with my zoom bookclub group FACE-TO-FACE! How exciting to actually meet these human beings.
And time spent in the garden of one of them. These cucumber-looking things, each at least two feet long, become this… below. The next step is to peel off the brown coat, and underneath is a thing that you might have in your shower.
Yes, a loofah. I had no idea! (And then I wonder: where did I THINK they come from? Have I ever thought?)
How much writing did I get done on day 3? Not much. I wanted to continue with my goal of 2000 words a day. I’m stubborn that way. But I did less than half that.
Meanwhile, the Del Coronado Christmas tree went up. In short afternoon hours. Some work is so much quicker…
Yesterday was Day 4, and I spent almost the entire day at the task of cutting. It was a long day. I walked twice, once to the store down the street (there really is nowhere to go here. Which is a very good thing. If you’re going to run away to write, go somewhere with nothing except a wonderful places to sit and walk.)
I walked to and along the beach shortly before five, because any day when you can watch the sunset is a good day.
Word count yesterday? I don’t know; I lost track. All I know is that in four days, I’ve managed to cut over 7000 words. Not my goal, but close. Enough.
A few choices I made:
Original: Keith gave him a cutting board with mushrooms to chop up, but Charlie had some sudden urge to go to the family albums on their shelf. “Do you remember,” he said, “that time the man asked me if I was a drawing?” He pulled out an album, red, with worn edges. He flipped through pages until he found a series of photos of himself covered with bright lines. That day was clear in Keith’s mind as he left the food prep to have a look over his son’s shoulder; the day Charlie had found the set of new markers Raz had left on the table. Keith and Raz had been arguing—one of few times, and Keith couldn’t remember what about—and Charlie had slipped away to his room, and emerged as a living storybook. Raz had stopped mid-sentence and run off for her camera. A camera had often stopped their conversation, and that was generally a good thing. The argument had been abandoned.
Photo after photo of limbs covered in story pictures, in some sequence that Charlie shared with Raz, and click click click, picture picture picture, now all here in the album, in order. Keith wondered at how all this time later Charlie remembered the story and could share its turns and corners. Or was he re-creating on the spot? (224)
Cut to: Keith gave him a cutting board with mushrooms, but Charlie had an urge to go to the family albums instead. “Do you remember,” he said, “that time the man asked me if I was a drawing?” He pulled an album with worn edges and flipped through pages until he found a series of photos of him, skin covered with bright lines. Keith left the food prep to have a look; the day Charlie found the set of new markers Raz left on the table. Keith and Raz had been arguing—one of few times, Keith couldn’t remember what about—and Charlie slipped away to his room, and emerged as a living storybook. Raz stopped mid-sentence and went for her camera.
Photo after photo of limbs covered in story, in some sequence that Charlie shared with Raz, and click click click, picture picture picture, now all here in the album. Keith wondered at how Charlie remembered the story, all its turns and corners. Or was he re-creating on the spot? (171)
Some of the material in the first is covered elsewhere, and on immersed reads—as is this one—I become aware of that. At times, I don’t want to inject too much “past” pieces, and this was one of those moments.
It’s a bit mind-blowing to realize I’ve cut almost 30 pages. What was in them? The story is still intact. The characters are no less. The turns are all there.
~~~
Here’s a little one:
Charlie got a sheepish grin on his face when he saw the gift-wrapped package that stuck out of her bag.
Where else would he have a grin? Honestly, sometimes re-writing is just embarrassing!
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And that showing/telling thing again:
Original: As he pushed open the doorway to the right at the top of the stairs, he wondered at how Raziel’s hand would have pushed over and over at this same spot, the rectangle of brass in the dark wood.
Cut to: He pushed open the door at the top of the stairs: Raziel’s hand would have pushed over and over at this same spot, the rectangle of brass in the dark wood.
That phrase “he wondered” is cut because the reader should (I hope) be inside Keith’s head, in spite of my use of the third person. (This IS “close” third person. It would be different if it wasn’t close/limited.) So the thought or wondering should simply be. Go straight to it.
(Unless there’s some reason the story needs otherwise; there are always exceptions. You need to judge for yourself. And first to be aware of how this is working so you can make the decision.)
Such phrases do stand out for me when using first person but with third, they can slip away at times, especially when I’m working on the story, and not the re-writing—two completely different exercises. I don’t want editing to leak into writing. I don’t want to cut before I’m ready.
Phrases to be aware of:
he/Keith thought
he/Keith wondered
he/Keith felt
it occurred to him
* With such phrases I do a “find” and review each.
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That’s it for now. Back to work. Day 5.
Questions? Examples from your own work? Go ahead and post. Would love to see.
If you missed days 2/3:
So interesting to see your process....now I need to go back and read your previous days at the Del. Catching up!
“It’s a bit mind-blowing to realize I’ve cut almost 30 pages. What was in them? The story is still intact. The characters are no less. The turns are all there.”
This is the heart of the lesson! My mind is blown, just by the illustrations and especially the embedded POV lesson...love it. I actually pulled a ‘First Draft Bin’ out, it’s just a chunk of the imagined story but I am inspired to work with it.
The original was part of a Remembrance Day presentation to the Cub pack, well received by my intended audience, and my crit partners at the time gave great but overwhelming feedback. I feel it is time to revisit it and attempt a second draft. Truly Great Un-lessons lately!!!